I'm really into asian looking animals
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
