clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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