Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
