if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
