I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
