i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Found your dick twin last night
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
