I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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