I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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