I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im holly from the hills drunk
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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