two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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