I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
