So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
