I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
