You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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