the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize