I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize