The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
