I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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