Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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