I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
