yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
