im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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