Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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