he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
