A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
