girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
