apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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