even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
