I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
