I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
