i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
