Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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