There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
