my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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