we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
