My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
last night I used snow as a chaser
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
