Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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