It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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