I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
