i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
