If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
