well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
