PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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