You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
