True but thats because hes a fetus.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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