Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
