I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
