Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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