your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Can't talk, ducks in the car
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
