I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
