Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
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