i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
