just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
