i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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