We're like a lot better than the average bears
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
