hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
