I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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