toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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