one two three fourrrrnication!
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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