He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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