I want to have your abortion
i already hear my dad disowning me
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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