I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
