You're my little dorito
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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